Naive

I would have to say that I'm a naive person.  I have very little experience when it comes to love and relationships.  I should, however, be able to see when someone is lying to me, being fake.  I have been unable to detect that.  I should be hurt by this, but really it just adds weight to what co-workers have been telling me, "Everyone lies to you."  Why would I only let that statement apply at work?  I do not know.  That statement is applicable not just in the workplace with people who call in, but I should start applying it to real life.

I am naive in that I think that for the most part people always strive to be the best that they can be.  That's also not true--she says with a slight derisive laugh.  I am one of those people that are always taken aback when she finds out that someone has done something that is ashamedly wrong, or out of character, or two faced.  But, now that I'm thinking about it, I'm not sure why it surprises me.  People basically really only do the least that they can for others.  It's not a surprise.  Everyone knows this. So, why then, does it surprise me when someone disappoints me?

You think someone is being truthful and honest with you, but then you find out they were just using you for their own devices.  Using you for their own gain.  Using you to make themselves feel good.  I really shouldn't be surprised by this turn of events.  It's only something that's happened to me for oh, MY WHOLE LIFE.  There's always been someone that has kept me around for their uses and then when they're done, or when I realize how detrimental the relationship is, then it's ended.  Now, also "readers," keep in mind that when I say "relationship" I mean friendship...seeing as how I'm 23 years old and have never been on a date.

That's another thing that really bites my ass.  When I tell people that I know that I've never been on a date, that I've never had a boyfriend, I've never really had someone call me beautiful.  I'm not one of the beautiful people.  I admire the beautiful people.  I would like to be one of those beautiful people.  I would like to know what it's like to be looked at by people and those people thinking, "Wow, she's beautiful."  Well, this is a long list of wants that we could get into, but I'm not going to.  It would take too long.

We're just going to leave things here now.  I have so many words that are running around in my head.  So many thoughts that I would like to express so that I could get them out of my head, but they're still too jumbled.  Maybe I should see a psychologist.  There's something wrong with me...has to be for so many people to have this kind of aversion to me.  I don't honestly know if it would be an actual aversion to me, but sure as hell seems that way to me a lot of times.